"Tend and Befriend": 3 Ways Women Can Cope with Stress Through Kinship and Caring

Research shows that women's instinctual coping mechanism for stress is completely different then we think. Friendship and care-taking can help our mental health?

We have heard for so long that when faced with stress we fight or flight. We either decide to put up our dukes or run away from the stressor. Well it turns out that when you only study the male response to stress for centuries, you may get it wrong. When scientists began to study women's stress response, they found that women may instinctually cope with stress in a unique way.

Positive friendships help improve women's physical and mental health outcomes.

Two female researchers at UCLA (Links to their work here) found that the hormones women release during stress, mostly our lovely erratic estrogen bestie, are combated best by oxytocin. Typically, women experience an overwhelm of oxytocin during moments of kinship and caring. While men tend to gravitate toward the initially thought fight or flight response to release their oxytocin, women find it through caring for others and camaraderie. So friendships and caretaking can help us? We just have to keep them from OVERWHELMING us.

3 Ways Women Can Cope with Stress Through Kinship and Caring:

The problem is with everything the modern women and moms have going on, how can we foster and build friendships so that we live longer and better? How can we balance the stress caretaking and relationships give us with the benefit they can give us? I have a few ideas:

Becoming A Regular

This may sound like an episode of an old sitcom but in reality regularly being present in your community and with your peers can really help cope with stress and increase longevity. If it is a morning coffee shop run or just the library or the park, regularly visiting somewhere and making casual low stakes conversation can help release those chemicals that help us cope with stress. Women need deeper friendships but we also can get a lot from low stakes light socializing. So think about where you love to be and start going on a regular basis.

Ordering your favorite coffee can do more than just wak you up.

Taking Time For Your Friendships

This one is a little tougher of a task. Women, as we become mothers and age, tend to place our friendships as a secondary luxury because our day to day is so overwhelming. It is so important to do our best to keep friendships close that are healthy and understanding. Find friendships that give you grace and not guilt. This is a tall order I know BUT, it has such benefits to our mental health.

If you have friends that you love and trust, plan a dinner together uninterrupted by children or spouses or work. Sitting across a table from a bestie, eating great food and chatting can do wonders. If you are looking for friendships? Believe or not, women like you are out there also looking for a kind friend too! Try a book club, yoga class, or social change group. Seek out things you like, and those friendships will come in kind.

Find a Joyful Moment in Parenting

If you are a mother, it can be difficult sometimes to separate the job of parenting from our relationship with our kid. The job is overwhelming and difficult, but often the relationship with our children does not have to be. Parenting is STRESSFUL but bonding does not have to be. Find activities that are fun for you and your child to do together, try to have moments of unscheduled fun.

These moments are the way that stress can be lowered by caring for others. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO WATCH A TV SHOW WITH YOUR KID AND SNUGGLE! IT IS GOOD FOR BOTH OF YOUR MENTAL HEALTH. You can be bored together, that can also be good for your mental health. Those moments of relaxation and joy with your kids can actually help combat stress.

You Deserve Friendship and Parenting Joy

Women have a unique ability to build community and friendship that can bring so much beneficial element to their lives. We can be there for each other in times where no one else will do. Remember that you deserve to be a part of that community and reduce your stress. Take the time to build or become a part of a community of women, I promise you it will be worth it.

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Resources:

Berkowitz, G. (2025, January). UCLA Study On Friendship Among Women. Women’s Brain Health Initiative. https://womensbrainhealth.org/think-tank/think-twice/ucla-study-on-friendship-among-women

Taylor, S. E., Klein, L. C., Lewis, B. P., Gruenewald, T. L., Gurung, R. A., & Updegraff, J. A. (2000b). Biobehavioral responses to stress in females: Tend-and-befriend, not fight-or-flight. Psychological Review, 107(3), 411–429. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-295x.107.3.411

Ajrouch, K. J., Hu, R. X., Webster, N. J., & Antonucci, T. C. (2024). Friendship trajectories and health across the lifespan. Developmental Psychology, 60(1), 94–107. https://doi.org/10.1037/dev0001589